Last night while hanging with Jesus, tears poured down my cheeks. An insurmountable measure of love for Him became so tangible. I was grateful and could have stayed there all night. As I leaned into His love for me and enjoyed the liberty I had to love on Him, I prayed a prayer of exchange. Suddenly all of what mattered to me most in my personality didn’t. I could see the snare in me holding on so tightly to my professed introversion and my deep seated preferences. I could see that they lacked value in the grand scheme of the purpose and heart of God and limited His work in me and the gift of BEING ALIVE in CHRIST. I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of those soul hindering mechanisms and breathe in the entirety of my Redeemer. I wanted to not just experience the kingdom once or for a moment, but I begged for Him to give me the sense to not just cry about it behind the closed door of my bedroom, but live it out loud in the infinity of His wisdom daily.
“Make me available to you. I am available to you...”.
A few weeks ago I found myself pondering on the conversations within our culture. Introversion, personality test, and the dangers of “doing me”. These conversational themes are worth exploring, alluring, and seducing. They feel good to a soul who is searching for individuality, relevance, longing for freedom, and to understand who they are. Please don’t misunderstand me, I believe it all has its place. However, do you think we can hold on to an incredible God and ourselves at the same time? Now if you aren’t a believer- follower of Christ, march on baby and enjoy (I mean this, no sarcasm)! But, if you do profess to be one who has committed to taking up your cross and following the first born of many, then how can we surrender and be in charge?
Personality quirks and test, keeping our peace, and, following our dreams to “do us” allll has a place. The wisdom of the Spirit helps us steward where all of this belongs. Quite frankly I believe, for example, that we need to know that we have introverted tendencies so that we are aware of how they can become a snare when it matters most and to understand how we recharge and/or create so that we are our best in times where we need to be available to the commission. We have allowed what should aid us dictate us and keep us separate. Give us a reason to hold on a little tighter to our preferences and our way. This is just a small example.
Last night I poured my heart out to a good God. I told Him that I didn’t want my personality to get in the way of what He wants to do in me. I’ve been shy since I was a little girl. I learned doing a moment of ministry several years ago that rejection began in the womb for me, and an overall struggle with confidence and self-esteem taught me how to tread lightly. The imagination of what others may or may not be saying and/or my perceived value by how or where I was accepted also kept me timid. The make up of some personality traitors bred and developed cause me to second guess the intent of heaven within me. I’ve said out loud “God use me” but only when I’m comfortable and when I can make sense of it of course. NO!
God asks us to give Him everything. But without some vision of why it’s difficult right? He asks for a lot and our humanity wants to know what’s in it for me. Everything is in it for us. It takes time to get to this place. And I’m assured that likely maintaining this heart posture requires stewardship always. He’s a Father. He knows He must temper our hearts for what He’s asking for from us. We won’t walk away empty handed so don’t fret. However, our hearts will line up with His and will soon ache for what He aches for. We’ll find ourselves in His chambers asking to be His solution manifested in a world that’s searching, hurting, longing, and looking!
In 2 Chronicles 16, Asa, King of Judah was found NOT depending on the Lord. So their enemies army in whom they held captive escaped from their hand. Because he did not RELY on the Lord.
“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth so that He may support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this; therefore, from now on you will have wars.””
2 Chronicles 16:9 AMP
https://www.bible.com/1588/2ch.16.9.amp
Did you see that promise? He’s looking for who HE CAN support, strengthen for the purposes at Large! He’s already promised to meet your needs, those promises are everywhere in scripture, can you trust Him to strengthen your heart to meet His?
Get out of His way, by laying your most coveted self down...
Love you,
Jess 💜