Still Single

I’m a romantic by nature. I’ve always loved love. As a little girl I fantasized about the day I would get to be a wife and chase little babies around my home. No one really taught me this, it just was in me. In second grade I wrote my boyfraaan a love letter on sky blue lined paper, meticulously outlining each carefully written letter in a different crayon color. I played games like MASH, plucked petals from imaginary flowers-“he loves me, he loves me not”- I watched and read about love stories through television and the age appropriate chapter books, eventually graduating to less age appropriate stories. All this shaping my expectation and misaligned desires.

So, imagine my surprise single as a dollar bill at the tender age of thirty-five and a lover no less, with physical touch as my primary love language-SNUGGLE ME STAT. Imagine the torture! Anyway, in a culture ridden with messages centered around the power in being an independent woman, laced with tips and tricks on how

to land a mate, or drowning oneself in ‘self-love’ to distract from the absence of love from a partner, mental calisthenics is what it has all become. A conglomerate of instructions to achieve, well, more singleness.

Now, I am not saying that there isn’t a measure of truth to what is floating about, but for me, it is exhausting. And if I can be honest, makes me all together despondent. I’ve talked to couples, sister friends who are married, conducting my own private surveys, and then there are my lengthy tear-soaked journals asking God, in short, “what the heck?”!!

Like the loving and gentle Father He is, he’s answered me, however not with the answers I’d prefer but none the less it is a bit reassuring. His timeline, to me, sucks, but he knows best, and I can boldly admit I have made some funktified decisions that may or may not have delayed the manifestation of the man of my dreams.

However, here we are, Valentines Day 2022. I’ll be a hot thirty-six years old in five months, clock just a ticking away and not an available and eligible suitor in sight. My heart is heavy. I am not going to lie to you. I have run out of the strength to duck and dodge my disappointment with elixirs that treat my symptoms. This also means no longer entertaining ding dongs, emotionally unavailable place holders, and my daydreams.

What do I do? Sis/Bro, what do we do?

Maybe hunker down? We settle ourselves in the freedom that allows us to heal with no interruptions, to discover, to fail and win, to create, to be sad and to be happy, to travel, go dance, to binge watch all the shows, to anchor ourselves in a magical life that your person will be glad to add to and not take away from. Become familiar with what it’s like to stand flat footed and sure in our value; being able to say no to breadcrumbs of attention and wait with expectant hope that if the desire exists than there is a promise that will

manifest, and sweetly. Find out what brings us joy and what peace feels like. The intimacy that we desire…we figure out how to achieve it while we are alone with ourselves. Swoon over you, my baby!!

Told you I was a romantic, I can’t even help it!!

In short, maybe this is more of those calisthenics I loathe, maybe not; here is what you should remember…You can love you well and still desire the love within the context of a relationship. ANNNNNND, you can be sad that it hasn’t happened yet too. Either way, don’t shame yourself for desiring companionship and don’t let the desire cripple

you. I won’t either…

Happy Valentine’s Day

Love you,

Jess