“Brokeness is often the road to breakthrough...” -Dr. Tony Evans
I grew up in church. A deep affinity for the corporate gathering and The corporate manifestation of the Spirit of God. Oh it’s, He’s real and there is nothing in the entire world like His presence!! I mean Nothing!
The presence of God was practiced in our home growing up. I watched and listened to Mother pray and study the bible, or the word as most believers would say. There were family devotions, scripture memorization, prayer on the way to school. We all had to pray! My father even in His personal struggles was a partaker. I believe the Word if God is what kept him from ending up in worse off situations. I guess we all can have that testimony.
In our home there was an emphasis on growing our personal relationship with Jesus Christ AT HOME! My Mom was big on private devotion needing to spill over into corporate expression. No sense in coming to church and being flamboyant if that same energy wasn’t kept when no one was watching. I’m grateful for that conviction. It singes the idea that God is a novelty! Meant solely for my enjoyment and entertainment!
Although I appreciate this conviction deeply. I have found that over the years I’ve alleviated my Christian guilt, my inconsistent pursuit of a personal devotion/relationship with Christ, and soothed condemnation with Church. Now, it wasn’t always this way, however it was more often than not. In there you can find a few Sundays where I felt aligned and righteous. Deserving even. However, for a greater portion of time, the pinnacle of my Christian pursuit began and stopped on Sunday Mornings.
I wonder if this is why at 33 almost 34 years old I’ve spent the last 7 years itchy and agitated. Trying to configure how to make this journey meaningful and full? And let me be clear, God is not the problem. I’m indoctrinated with this world. With my needs. Some confusion, and institutionally driven rules.
What then do I do with my broken Christianity? When I feel like every one has it right but me. Like I’m missing the magic formula; or like I keep failing God? I coupled this with my despondency in my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, whom I also called Pastor, Elder, Bishop, Prophet, Teacher, Evangelist and so forth. Strong arming them into my invisible pedestal crafted by misinformation, not enough God, and preferential Grace!
However, after more critical thinking, I realized I needed to dig deeper. Become a bit more introspective. I have to address this personally. Analyzing me, probing me, calibrating me, assessing me. I can’t project my flawed character and my uncertainties on others. This quest to discover what’s true amid the rubble of my crumbling beliefs was about me and me alone and God of course.
This thought of broken Christianity hit me one day. I believe it’s God breathed. Urging me to break out from a shell that is a collage of ideas, thoughts, convictions, ideas, and theology that I can’t stand by whole heartedly. Not yet at least... Mostly because I’ve stood on the back of a Pastor or minister and took his word for it until He/She no longer fit the profile of one worthy of following. Im still intertwined in how my Mom interacted with Her God! I’ve borrowed ideas, and measured my depth against another and decided I wasn’t there yet. I’m sick of that! I’m sick of living in that limitation. I found myself peeking into other faiths because I was jealous of how committed they were to what they believed. I want that. I want to be committed to my God that way. I want to walk with Jesus and converse with Holy Spirit living in the tension and the freedom of a life in Christ! I want to own my belief and my conviction and be proud of how me and my God get along on this journey. And I wasn’t. I haven’t been...
Here’s the thing, I’m not blaming people, institutions, etc. at all. I’m recognizing that I have valued the expression over the creator. I have been more obedient and compliant to man and the culture of Christianity! I’ve bought into many ideals and rules hoping to attract a blessing and other various reasons. Now things are muddy and I don’t want my faith to be muddy. I don’t want self centered intentions. I don’t want to be mad at people who are recipients of Grace like me.
I want to know me deeply, I want to live freely in working out my souls salvation, and I want to know God richly!! So much so that I am not anchored in people and movements first, but instead I am anchored in the Kingdom so I can freely serve people and movements!!
Perhaps my broken Christianity can be leading me to the life Abundantly Jesus has been telling me about....