I am a beginner in the game of spades. I understand it enough to play a decent game, however I do not understand it enough to explain or teach the game to another person. In my recent educational tutorials regarding the game of spades, there is a term used in response to a team and/or player who does not follow a suit during the game whether purposefully or accidentally. The term for this is called reneging. Reneging in spades means you have failed to comply with the nature or purpose or intent of the game, specifically that round. It means you went against the grain, it means that you forfeited the opportunity to fulfill your contract that you agreed to when you sat down at the table to play. You may have done this because you’re a beginner like myself and finding the rhythm of the game takes time. So in your haste or anxiousness you make a bad move. You renege!
How often can you say that you have reneged on yourself, on God and your relationship with Him, or on people in your life. What about the P R O C E S S? Can I tell you something? As of about the last day or so, especially the last 3-5 hours, reneging has been something that has danced across my mind, titillated the strings of my heart, and whispered about very enticing things. Let me tell you? Some days I want to give in. Some days I have been emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted , flustered, and overwhelmed that I have honestly and truly flirted with giving in and giving up!
Reasons? Oh, it just depends on the day hunny. They range anywhere from: I’m 32, I’m single, my money is funny, my daddy is in prison, my Mama died, nobody taught me how, lack of control (although my being in control has landed me nowhere and fast), appetites that are dying slowly and loudly. THE PRESSURE...
That’s exactly what I feel, maybe what we all feel in some way shape or form for various reasons. The pressure that is meant to press out what does not belong and to leave behind the true essence of who you are and what you are able to withstand and accomplish. This pressure does not feel good. This pressure makes you squirm, makes you uncomfortable, creates frustration, and hopefully brings you to your knees. I know for me, pressure lately has been doing just that. I have been faced with private internal battles that to another may seem small and trivial. However, for me, I know they are meant to graduate me. To discipline me, and to stir and strengthen my focus creating precision and clarity of thought.
Right now, there is an ex that I can call to fulfill my need for attention and to validate that I am wanted. I was so ready to break free from the toxic cycle [again] a couple of months ago. Barely thinking about him and gracious to God for another chance to escape my own delusion. Well something about this holiday season, my singleness at 32, the extreme vulnerability of healing and growth that seem to contribute to the thoughts that have attempted to urge me to indulge are more frequent than I am comfortable with. This would be an incredibly stupid place to RENEGE... and Jessica a few months ago would have shamelessly reneged and jumped into the arms of what’s familiar but also very empty.
I don’t want to RENEGE. I don’t want to FEEL this pressure, and I am ready for the other side of this, whatever it is; BUT I AM EMPOWERED TO ENDURE!
While having a conversation with a friend, they mentioned that I may be in a “...And Jacob was alone...” season, opportunity for God to be God without distraction or influence of others. I’ve held on to that snippet of our conversation when RENEGING tells me she’s an option. She’s a persistent booger. CHRIST IS RELENTLESS! I urge you to NOT RENEGE! I’d encourage you to stay with it! The strength in how you strategize as a player or a believer will benefit you so much! Find you a scripture or 20, confide in a friend, pray, WORSHIP, and let’s run our race Single-Minded, fixed and FOCUSED in Jesus name!
Ps. 91 (TPT)
Ps. 63 (TPT)
