So, lately I haven’t been watching much television. However when I do, it’s been Family Matters. I know, I know, of all the television shows on right now. Anyhow, I was watching the episode when Laura is robbed of her leather jacket and later in the episode a friend is shot in the arm for not giving up her brand new shoes. At this point, I am simply enjoying the episode remembering watching it for the first time like it was yesterday. The episode gets to the point where Harriet comes down stairs after trying to get Laura to sleep. Laura is obviously upset and disturbed. Well as I am watching, not expecting revelation from a tv show; during this scene I am jarred. The jarring was so obvious, I wasn’t able to ignore it. My antennas go up, and I tune in to what I am feeling. As Harriet comes downstairs and Carl asks if she’s finally asleep and Harriet says yes, I feel a longing. A need to be loved. I wanted to experience what Laura was experiencing in that moment. Her mother’s undivided attention and love. Before I take myself on an analytical journey to dissect my internal response or even have the opportunity to ignore what I’m feeling, Holyspirit speaks to me and says, “You are only accustomed to being or feeling loved in chaos...” Whoa! Unfortunately I knew exactly what He meant. He goes on to say, “I want you to learn and know that you are loved in every moment good and bad. But especially when things are good...”.
I can only imagine your thoughts right now as you’re reading this. Here’s the skinny. I grew up only feeling loved or seen in certain moments. When I was sick or had a cold. When I cut my foot so deeply that I needed to get stitches (small examples). What’s the big deal? The big deal is the older I got, the more I learned to lead with my brokenness. The more I presented a broken, in need of mending and rescuing version of myself. I show you how messed up I am and then I you’ll love me and give me affirmation and attention. This became especially true in my relationships with men I became involved with, ministry relationships and the list can go on. It was a debilitating cycle. And, if I were to have a moment of strength, some people still saw my weakness. On the contrary to that, people saw how strong and equipped I was and I still wanted to convince them that I wasn’t. If I am strong and great how will I be seen and who will love me? I was needy folks. Down right needy. And we can discuss all the reason I was, but the bottom line was/is I needed to fix this and fast.
Now before you get to judging me and such. I didn’t purposely do this and didn’t even realize it was a thing until a few years ago. I wasn’t playing my pity card on purpose. I wasn’t finding people to prey on. It had literally become apart of my identity. As humans we all have a deep innate desire for love and to feel loved. Think about the times you didn’t feel loved. What did you do to attain that love? Did you pretend you didn’t need it? Did you make morally questionable decisions? Did you feel like you always had to earn it? Have you been manipulative because you don’t feel like there are other options?
Ephesians 3:17-19 says
“Then, by constantly using your faith, the life of Christ will be released deep inside you, and the resting place of his love will become the very source and root of your life. Then you will be empowered to discover what every holy one experiences—the great magnitude of the astonishing love of Christ in all its dimensions. How deeply intimate and far-reaching is his love! How enduring and inclusive it is! Endless love beyond measurement that transcends our understanding—this extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God!”
Ephesians 3:17-19 TPT
http://bible.com/1849/eph.3.18-19.tpt
For the first time, FINALLY, I believe that I can know the depth of Gods love for me! I believe that although I have personally been experiencing amazingness with God lately, there are always crevices within our hearts that would rather remain in the dark. God knows better! Watching that episode the Holyspirit knew I didn’t know love except in conflict and chaos. I didn’t really trust or know how to function in love just because. Love that delights in good gifts and wants to see your life full of goodness and good things always! I’m not sure if I am explaining the impact of this understanding well enough for you! But here is truth I am coming to know; I AM WORTH THE LOVE BECAUSE CHRIST DIED FOR ME. He was beaten until He was not able to be recognized. Got went an extreme route to restore me back to a place of intimate fellowship with Him! There, I get to just be and He chooses to Love me for just being! Can I just say that I used the same blueprint with God... I only felt close to Him after I was ready to repent of my broken ways and come back to Him. I was limited in how far I was able to walk with Him bc I needed to recreate that moment over and over again... But God wanted to change that. He used Family Matters as a means to get that message to me.... Isn’t he amazing? One of my favorite scriptures to pray is:
“Everything we could ever need for life and godliness has already been deposited in us by his divine power. For all this was lavished upon us through the rich experience of knowing him who has called us by name and invited us to come to him through a glorious manifestation of his goodness.”
2 Peter 1:3 TPT
http://bible.com/1849/2pe.1.3.tpt
My counselor mentioned this scripture in our session the other day as I told her about this experience and she had a lot to say... but what stuck out the most was her quoting this scripture and telling me “...And now, you get to be Needy with HIM (Jesus)!” I am certain that God has given me a new heart, a heart of Good soil! Life is sweeter and it has nothing to do with my outside circumstances... I’m learning to be loved, it’s teaching me how to see me and it’s teaching me to Rest in the one who made me!!!!
Love ya’ll!!
P.S... Don’t forget that YOU ARE ENOUGH... You ARE QUALITY and MEET EVERY EXOECTATION! 💜
