Angry. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. Lonely. Overlooked. A gaping wound bleeding steadily. It’s a mess too. I lay in the middle of my life’s forest, I close my eyes, catch my breath and listen. Listen for the promise of my demise and pray it gets here quickly. Silence. No galloping horses, dressed atop, my enemy and his sword, no creatures to come and feed. Here I lay, not even worthy of death. Pissed. My thoughts are interrupted by the soothing sound of the stream nearby. I open my eyes and tall gigantic trees peer down at me. Cedars of Lebanon. The sun peeks through their limbs. I look to my left and right, green. Nothing but green; and peace. The wind kisses my face, something sweet is in the air, it beckons me to sit up. Without hesitation I do. No blood, no gaping wound. Just me, worked up and exhausted…again.
Like, how do I always end up here. I feel like this cycle is so vicious and if I am tired of it, I know others are judging me just as hard as I am judging myself. Well, if they are paying that much attention. Which they probably aren’t because people have lives so who cares? Sigh. Truth? I care greatly what people think about me. I want to be accepted. I want to be a boss. I want to preach, teach, talk, sing, act, direct, dance, build buildings across the land! Ok, the last one was a reach. I want to be deep and mysterious, effective, and strong. I want opportunities and recognition. I want to make an impact. I want to be chosen. Seen as worthy. I want life not to feel like I am trudging through the thickest of the slowest sinking sand around. Hard. Then, sometimes, for FIVE seconds, it doesn’t. For five seconds I feel unstoppable and capable of anything. Unmoved by the thoughts and opinions of mere man. I feel empowered and equipped and…worthy. Then it stops. Ay-yi-yi! I’ve been working so hard. Pushing through and overcoming. How come…? Why not….? Then using my stupefying intelligence and obscene capability to criticize myself, I search for all the reasons I am so faulty and fail to…arrive or be enough. There it is. I must work harder. Be better. Stop giving up…the list goes on. This level of transparency is tough. I can’t look weak…
However, appearing strong means, I am voiding the God of the green pasture. Yet the same thing happens, “…He maketh me lie down in [the] green pastures…”(Ps. 23). Then He gets to restoring. He is unavoidable, consistent, though His methods differ. This time they came in the form of sweet friends. One friend, she’s so timely. I call her “The Voice”. Just as I am at the end of a moment of unraveling, she sends me sweet reminders. I mean it is like heaven issues her the timing and she obeys. This time, in short? “Stop Striving…enjoy your relationship with God”. I’m striving, still? Yes, girl, you know you are. On this very same day, as I stood in my kitchen and cried, chest heaving, open mouth screams, pain spilling out of me faster than I can catch it, I reach out to a friend. He listens…patiently. Even encouraged me to babble on, it’s like he felt me censor myself; “Jess…Just Be…” amongst other wealthy wisdomy things. He also reminded me that I had put down a weapon. Writing. Guys, these entries are more for me, than those who read them. Finally, my bestie. She is an Uzi. She doesn’t and will not take my mess, so she wasn’t so tender in her delivery, but I respect her refusal to buckle at my delusion. She reminded me that I am much too hard on myself and to give myself more credit…
Ahhh, yes! I remember again how good my Shepherd is. He leads me to drink refreshing water and anoints my head with healing oil-Protection.*
In the wind of these moments with my shepherd I am swept away. He encourages me to purge the weight and wait of my heart so that He can replace it with what belongs there instead. Liberty sings softly, her delight fills the room. Father stands in the doorway pleased, I can feel His presence. I feel guilty that I need to be reminded so often and as I begin to explain, His heart hushes mine. They, all three, Father and Jesus and Holy Spirit promise that they’ll remind me forever… I belong to them…
*Ref. https://equipherlife.com/2011/06/23/the-shepherds-oil/
