Dang! I'm still Insecure?

That is exactly how I felt and what I whispered to myself the other day when my crush took notice of a very pretty, slimmer young woman via our beloved social media. My inner-s turned into the 4th of July as rejection, shame, and embarrassment all responded and very loudly might I add. It was sheer and utter chaos within and I hated it. Now, before you accuse me of stalking, I wasn't. Like for real! Anyway, I was so bothered by my reaction even after having read books (which I recommend), having the same annoying conversation with my best girlfriends, and quoting scriptures and God centered confession statements to myself; I had had enough. I mean my journal game is strong! God, why I do I feel this way? Why is this so difficult and why do I have to struggle with this? What am I not doing right? What am doing wrong? Why does he like her? What's wrong with me? When the word wrong rolled off of my pen, I paused. I felt sadness from the word wrong. I can't tell how much of the sadness came from me or God. But we were both definitely sad. He was sad that I would even say such a thing and I was just, well, sad.

As early as I can remember I have always struggled with rejection and inferiority. I was in the second grade when I became aware that I had the ability to compare myself and measure my worth and my value. I of course did not know that that is what was happening, nonetheless, it was. My classmate sat in front of me with her pretty milky mixed skin tone, long jet black hair and confidence for days. WE WERE SEVEN...how did I know? Anyhow, I just know that I was intimidated by her. These are the earliest memories, but I would like to propose the notion that rejection started further back than six or seven.

However, to stay in rhythm with the intent for where I am headed, we will focus on why it appears, after my diligent work such as reading books, journal entries, listening to sermons podcast and yadi, yadi, yadi, that I WOULDN'T BE CURED!!! Here I am, dancing with rejection, conversing with shame, and crying because embarrassment insist on mortifying me to me.

Let's go back to the something is wrong with you. As I grew up, I was made inherently aware of my weight or of my failures. I knew everything that was wrong with me, that made me disqualified or unfit. I knew those things so well that they had become the cadence of my internal dialogue. My grown girl thoughts etc,, took me on trips ie, the firework show!

Even though I know scriptures that discuss the love of God and His faithfulness, and Him adopting me into the kingdom of His dear Son Jesus Christ; and although I had read books, and other blog entries, and had conversations with friends etc., I was still struggling.

I was struggling because I thought that the journey to wholeness in this area was a final destination. In Christ, nothing is really a final destination. He is the destination. Because as long as we live on this earth, we will have to endure the ebbs and flows of life and the antagonist in our stories won't quit. They will just come to see if they can find place in us again. Will we believe the same old lie, will we let the firework show go beyond the actual holiday, disturbing your neighbors, or in this case your peace and progress? Here is what I am saying, as that firework show inside of me begin to pop off, I had to make a decision. Cuddle with these lies, or fight back. I fought back. I first told God how I was feeling. I didn't sugar coat it or at least I tried not to. Then I acknowledge that this person has no obligation to me (psycho), followed by complimenting the young lady in my mind and acknowledging her beauty and whatever positives I could see (her necklace is cute or whatever). I did this to quench the need to upstage myself by criticizing another. Then, I being to speak what God has spoken to me and about me. I used His word, I found a plan on the Bible app that lent to discovery of the Truth of God's love for me and prayed that God deepen my ability receive and understand HIS LOVE for me. I sat with those Truths until I felt the show die down and finally cease. I am probably going to have to do this one thousand more times over the course of life for one reason or another. They may or may not be this intense, but this weapon is problematic to your enemy and fundamental for your future. Say this out loud to yourself....I AM Quality. I meet ALL expectations. #Enough

Resources to Assist on the Journey:

Hi Insecurity, Bye Insecurity- Shaunee Brannan

Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship- Jack Frost

Uninvited_ Lysa TerKeursrt

Love Ya'll!