Romantic. There are several definitions according to Merriam-Webster; however for this cause I want to build from this one- Marked by expressions of love or affection (5b www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/romantic).
I AM A ROMANTIC. I love love in any capacity. The opportunity or ability to pour love onto others is my ideal state of being. I am extremely affectionate (not inappropriate) and want everyone I meet to experience some type of expression of love from me. In my past, more recent and beyond, I found that because of this desire, I made terrible compromises hoping to receive the same….
This morning while hanging out with Jesus, I was overwhelmed by His love for me. I cried and thanked, and even laughed at bit as I let the bliss of heaven envelope me. Jesus. My heart was grateful; through my tears I began telling Him, “Thank you for capturing me…”.
Capture:
An act of catching, winning, or gaining control by force, stratagem, or guile
To Gain or win especially through effort…
While I rested in this very intimate moment with the Christ, my mind explored the moments when this reality was not reality for me. Although I had an awareness of God’s goodness and I had tasted of His wonder, in past times and seasons, I chose bitter springs. Falsified ideas of love and affection, I knew they were, but I was desperate. When you’re desperate you’ll receive anything. Just under a year ago I was in a very toxic relationship with a man who when I met him (5 years ago) and surrender my soul to him, was married. He was still married as of last year. And although he was not living as a married man as of this same time last year, the poison of it all nearly killed me. He wasn’t the first. He was the second and thank God the last. I twirled from the suffocating grip of one into the hold of another. They had the same name, literally.
Now I am in no way declaring innocence. I was very guilty. I had no standard of living and although intellectually my mind knew the truth and could recite my supposed moral code, my wicked heart and thirsty soul did not care enough to uphold a standard that did not exist. Appetizing propositions won me. I cashed in and drunk from these dusty springs. Mostly dust, little water. I suffered emotional and mental abuse. I made excuses for behaviors not for them, for me. I did not feel or think I was worth more than I accepted. I deceived myself into thinking I was choosing this and could walk away when I wanted. The last one was the worse. Have you ever argued with a narcissist?
The last seven years I have been in a boxing ring with myself. Remember Steve Urkel? He’d trot around his opponent squeaking “Put Em Up” probing his fist into the air making threatening sounds? ME! My actions said I got this. I can fight to get my own needs met. (Refer to Philippians 4:19). I fought for destruction because I did not think I was worth anything good! It just was not in my line of sight, as badly as my Romantic heart wanted it to be. So, I settled repeatedly!
Alas! Here I am! Safe in the castle of the King! He went to war for me! Repeatedly. Every time I ran away with a deceiver of my heart, He tirelessly chased my down. The visual I have of the Greatest, GRANDEST entity strong arming the enemies of my soul to WIN ME BACK! Even when He knew I wouldn’t always stay. He never gave up…He wouldn’t give up. The FORCE of HIS LOVE has gained control of my wayward heart. HIS STRATEGY? LOVE! HIS EFFORT fueled by LOVE! HE NEVER QUIT!!!
I guess that is all I wanted. I wanted someone to fight for my heart! I had hoped in a way the men I have entertained would! FIGHT FOR ME! Show me I am worth it…I’ll do whatever it takes…
I didn’t intentionally want to create this war for my heart. But my King was up for the challenge. And He’s won me. When I thought I would be consumed… HE WON ME!!! CAPTURED ME and daily He adorns me, restores me with goodness! WHAT A ROMANTIC!!
You know what came to mind this morning during my time with the Bliss of Heaven (Jesus)? In my desire to be rescued, I assumed that the man I married, if it were going to happen at all, would do that for me. I thought I needed him to. I had watched enough movies and read enough articles that shaped a very unbalanced expectation for me. But Christ has captured my prone to wonder heart for good, and I would imagine that He’d prefer to gift my captured heart, settled, and anchored to the one He sanctions to keep it…. That’s way more Romantic than any story I could conjure in my daydreams…
I AM A ROMANTIC and my HEART is being ROMANCED by the Greatest Lover of ALL!
Psalms 63:5 (The Passion Translation)- I overflow with praise when I come before you, for the anointing of your presence satisfies me like nothing else. You are such a rich banquet of pleasure to my soul.
Love You,
Jess
"You are Quality! YOU MEET ALL EXPECTATIONS!"